


(you are loved) more than you know

by argentae



Series: take me as i am-universe [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Fix-It, Friendship, Gen, Mental Health Issues, i love friends, it's a post-bakka episode rewrite bit, lmao the balloon squad actually leaving even after his episode? sounds fake we're not here for that, only a tiny bit angsty ok it's mostly about friends supporting each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 12:52:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12276852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/argentae/pseuds/argentae
Summary: Some of the memories of the weeks that followed his episode were vague, like something out of a fever dream and some are crystal clear. Even remembers lying in bed staring at his walls and feeling like he’d just ruined the best thing in his life, feeling like the shame and regret would devour him and wanting to let them.He remembers the stumbling in the hall and thinking that it sounded like way too many footsteps for it to be just his parents. He remembers the door opening to let a stroke light and the shuffling of socked feet on his floor, stumbling over shit left lying on the floor.Then, quiet.He remembers Elias’ voice shattering the silence.“Even?”





	(you are loved) more than you know

**Author's Note:**

> sooo as promised!! this fic offically fits in my larger fic, take me as i am (the first part in this series), but tbh you could just read it without having read that one since it would've only been a flashback in that one anyway (but like... also read take me as i am it's fun and cute nd also u don't have to everything is fine it's all up to you). 
> 
> it's a rewrite of what happened after even had his bakka episode, there's only vague allusions to what happened, but the fic is set around the time even's still depressed so be aware of that!! read nothing that you don't feel like reading. for the most part it's pretty happy and fix-it-y though, i don't like sadness nd angst too much
> 
> thanks as always to the kardemommefam & josie because she's made this fic her bible and loves it possibly more than i do (and also for being a great beta u know)
> 
> title from _light_ by sleeping at last which is a song that makes me emo just like thinking about even  & the balloon boys

Some of the memories of the weeks that followed his episode were vague, like something out of a fever dream and some are crystal clear. Even remembers lying in bed staring at his walls and feeling like he’d just ruined the best thing in his life, feeling like the shame and regret would devour him and wanting to let them. He remembers the stumbling in the hall and thinking that it sounded like way too many footsteps for it to be just his parents. He remembers the door opening to let a stroke light and the shuffling of socked feet on his floor, stumbling over shit left lying on the floor.

Then, quiet.

He remembers Elias’ voice shattering the silence.

“Even?”

Curling further into the duvet Even waits for them to leave again once they notice they are not getting anything out of him, once they realise he’s not worth their time anymore, but when he hears more shuffling the sound is coming closer instead. He doesn’t understand why they would all come here now and get angry with him for doing what he did.

“Even, we’re here, okay? You don’t need to talk, that’s fine. We’re just going to… sit here with you for a bit, if that’s okay.”

Elias’ voice sounds like it’s next to his bed now and Even thinks that if he were brave enough to turn around he’d see his friend’s face peeking up at him through the rails of the loft.

He hears some more shuffling, some soft background conversation as they settle down in his room as they have done so many times before. Someone stubs their toe and groans before the rest shushes him. The quiet conversation continues and if Even had the energy to strain his ears he could probably listen but he doesn’t, so he just keeps lying there, staring at the wall.

He must have fallen asleep because when he wakes up the room is almost completely dark, no more light coming in from the window. He listens for a bit, but the room is silent. When he turns around in his bundle of blankets, however, he’s met with a scene that makes his breath halt in his throat for a second.

The only light is coming from his small desk light, but he can see them clearly. The boys haven’t left.

Mutta and Elias together on the single beanbag with a small blanket haphazardly thrown over them. There are crummy plates and mugs with tea bags in them all over the place.

The next person he sees is Yousef, who’s sitting on the windowsill with a mug of tea and a book, reading by the light of the small lamp. He must’ve heard Even shuffling around in bed because he looks up and meets Even’s eye.

Time seems to come to a screeching halt as they stare at each other for a couple of extremely long seconds. Then, a small smile forms around Yousef’s lips and Even’s throat closes up a little. Yousef’s eyes shoot to the bean bag where Elias and Mutta lie and then to some place under Even’s loft that he can’t see.

When Even peeks down, he sees two pairs of feet that, he realises, must belong to Adam and Mikael. He hears soft snoring that over the years and many, many sleepovers he’s come to recognise as Mikael’s. His head seems to get stuck on that little fact because part of him expected never to see Mikael again. Either because his best friend hated him or because he himself couldn’t let go of the shame.

Even feels like crying but he’s so _tired_ so he just tries to swallow around the lump in his throat as his eyes shoot to Yousef again, who mouths _they’re_ _asleep_ at him after another look at the boys. Even simply stares at him for a little longer as he lets all of this sink in, then curls back into his duvet, cutting out all the light.

He wakes up a second time when a voice says his name again. It’s Yousef, this time closer to the bed.

“We’re going now, okay? School in the morning and all that jazz. But we’ll be back tomorrow afternoon, if that’s okay with you. You can say if you want to be alone but… we want to be here with you.”

That’s what he gets stuck on when they leave.

 _We want to be here with you_.

When they return the following day Even’s sitting upright in his bed, his back against the wall. He’s aware he must look a mess but can’t find it in himself to care. He’s been paging through a book without really reading it, but when he hears the door and his mother’s laugh when one of the boys says something he tenses.

There’s no way he can keep escaping this and they deserve an explanation. He understands they need one to move on from this. So instead of lying back down and pretending he’s asleep he braces himself when he hears the knock on the door.

It’s almost impossible not to notice them perking up when they see him.

“Halla,” Even mutters after a couple of seconds of silence, his voice hoarse from disuse.

“Shit, it’s good to see you man,” Adam says, the tone so clearly relieved and Even is confused.

He wants to ask how they’re doing. He wants to be able to meet their eyes — Mikael’s eyes — for longer than half a second. He wants to go back to sleep.

What comes out is a quiet, “What are you guys doing here?”

Even almost cringes outwardly after the words escape him but none of the boys seem discouraged by the question.

“Hanging out with you,” Elias says lightly. “Your mum told us to get you to eat something. She gave us toast.”

Mutta holds up the toast triumphantly, coming closer so he can hand it over to Even, who takes it and stares at it for a second before his gaze returns to them.

“We wanted to know how you were doing,” Adam adds. “And you weren’t really responding to our messages so…”

He doesn’t have an excuse except that he hasn’t looked on his phone in ages because he was so afraid of what he would find.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine bro, we don’t care about that. We just want to know you’re all right.”

They all seem to exchange a look before Yousef licks his lips and says, “Sonja messaged us. She told us about…” Yousef doesn’t finish his sentence. At that Even closes his eyes as he feels his heart starting to beat in his throat. “She said you were depressed and we should probably leave you alone for a while. So we did… figured you probably asked her to say that.”

So this is it.

He knows he has to tell them now but that doesn’t make it any easier to actual get the words out. It doesn’t help that they’re all there lingering, looking at him so he keeps his eyes closed and tries to pretend everything is going to be okay.

“I’m bipolar.”

The silence that follows is deafening.

“I don’t— I mean, I don’t really know what that means exactly,” Mutta says, sounding a little nervous.

“I think it’s—” Adam starts but he’s cut off by Yousef before he can finish.

“I think Even’s probably the best person to tell us what that means. For him, at least.”

Even opens his eyes to find all of them looking at him, but right when he opens his mouth again there’s a knock and his bedroom door opens. His mum enters with a tray with six mugs of tea and some cookies.

“Hi honey,” she says when she sees him. He appreciates the fact that she doesn’t make a note about the fact that this is the first time she’s seen him up like this in a long while. “I figured you boys might like some tea. Why don’t you come down for a minute so it doesn’t spill all over the sheets.”

God, he loves her for giving him a reason to move, or he would’ve stayed stuck to the wall.

Now, he nods.

Elias takes the plate with untouched toast from him and Even unceremoniously clambers down the little ladder, dragging his duvet with him.

He meets his mum’s eyes for a second and she gives him a smile and a tiny nod before she hands the tea tray to Mutta. She leaves the room again, closing the door behind them.

“Tea!” Mutta exclaims enthusiastically as he sets down the tray on the floor and plops down next to it on the floor, grabbing one of the mugs and dipping a cookie in.

“Man, that’s disgusting,” Adam groans as he sits down next to Mutta. “Don’t dip in the cookie, it’ll get all soggy and there’s gonna be crumbs in the tea.”

The rest of the boys follow, all discussing their various opinions on the business of dipping cookies in tea.

They leave an automatic spot for Even in their circle.

With his duvet still wrapped around him he takes up about 1.5 times as much space as usual. Mutta hands him one of the mug and he warms his icy hands on it. For a couple of minutes he gets to just listen to their banter, taking tiny sips of tea.

He’s very aware of the fact that Mikael has not said a word and has not been able to meet his eye (or is it the other way around?) since they all came in. The fear that coils in his stomach at the thought of what that might mean is so overpowering he almost gets lost in it again.

When they quiet down again, Elias coughs not very subtly before saying, “Anyway… Do you think you could? Explain to us, I mean. What it means that you’re bipolar?”

They don’t even stumble over the word the way he did. It sounds almost easy like that.

 _Just tell them_.

Eventually, he nods, licking his dry lips and taking another sip of tea to give himself a little bit more time.

“It, um, it means I have times when I’m up, and I have all this energy and all these ideas. My thoughts go very fast,” he starts, eyes fixated on his tea. “I feel like I can do anything, and it, um, makes me impulsive. I do things without thinking them through.” At that, he can’t help himself anymore. He has to look up, he has to see Mikael’s face, he has to _know_.

All the air seems to rush out of his lungs when he’s met with his best friend’s pained, heartbroken look. He doesn’t seem angry at all. He seems small, sitting there with his knees pulled up to his chin. Even feels small, too, swallowed by his blanket, but there’s something in Mikael’s eyes that he recognises and it takes him a second to realise it’s the mixture of shame and self-hatred he’s been trying to fight off but that keeps clawing his way back into his chest.

If he could do anything in the world he would take all of that away right now. He hates that Mikael’s being torn apart by something that was _Even_ ’s fault, not his, that _Even_ could’ve prevented if he hadn’t—

“Even?” Elias’ voice hauls him out of his own thoughts and he forces his eyes away from Mikael, who seems to be unable to do the same now that he’s started looking.

Even clears his throat. “Right. Those, those manic episodes are often followed by periods when I’m down. Depressed. I can’t… I sleep a lot. I can’t really bring myself do anything because everything feels heavy.”

Someone hums in understanding. Someone else sips from their tea.

“So,” Adam tries, “what happened a few weeks back. You were manic then?”

Even nods, disappearing a little further in his duvet.

“I’m sorry,” he says again and this time he forces himself to say it directly at Mikael, too. “For what I did. For ruining everything.”

When he looks at them all in earnest, he’s met with confused looks. Even Mikael has a little frown on his forehead.

“Bro…” Mutta says, full of disbelief. “You literally just explained how nothing that happened was your fault. What do you even _mean_ “ruined everything”?”

“We’re your friends. You think we’re going to leave you now or some shit?” Elias says, eyebrows raised. “No way, man.”

He manages to make it sound like the absolute dumbest thing he’s ever heard. As Even’s eyes slide over all of his friends’ resolute faces, he’s for maybe the first time considering the fact that what had felt like the inevitable outcome of this situation isn’t as clear-cut as he’d made it out to be all this time.

“Yeah,” Mikael’s voice comes through for the first time as Even’s gaze comes to rest on him. “We got you.”

As all of them nod in acquiescence and Even’s blood seems to be rushing in his ears as those words play over and over again in his mind, Mikael puts down his mug and crawls through the middle of their little circle (Yousef quickly pulls away the tray) to wrap his arms around Even.

He freezes, suddenly extra glad he has the duvet wrapped around him so he has an excuse for not immediately returning the hug. There’s stumbling and suddenly there are more arms around him, the continued “we got you”s echoing through the room.

Slowly,  slowly, all the tension that had been consuming him seems to fall away and he slumps against his friends.

He remembers dozing off that afternoon to the chatting of the boys as they discuss the benefits of cornflakes with yogurt versus cornflakes with milk, the feeling of Mikael’s fingers raking through his hair, the weight of Elias against his side and the knowledge that all of _this_ is not being taken away from him.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on [tumblr](http://minjard.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/jostvns)! i'm always up for an emo chat about how much we all love skam so


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